It has been 2 weeks since we learned of Dad's cancer. There were days or even weeks, and perhaps months that something was odd, but Dad was always odd. He never shared the truth of how he felt or what he needed. It was unhealthy for us all to be in this relationship with him, to some degree. Not to say he wasn't/isn't a good man. He is an incredible man on so many levels...just not emotionally.
SO, here comes the most emotional experience of my life with my father and all I know is a dysfunctional
way of relating. My journey with him has been a love/hate, up and down, in and out of my life kind of thing. The last few years have actually been the best years since I was his "little girl". The first 10 years of my life.... we went camping, fishing, and I helped him build things in his wood shop. Then I became a young girl, interested in boys and friends and he up and dumped me. Flat out rejected me for growing up. Well the story goes on from there, very old and regurgatated stuff for me to consider at this moment. Still, I'm sure I'll go through all the images and words at some point, after he is gone. Then again, I have NO idea what I will do or feel after his passing. I know that I'm anxious about flying back to the freezing East to see him after 5 years and perhaps have an emotional freeze over. Or maybe I'm really afraid of a huge thaw and all the feelings just being so very raw~!!My journey is just beginning on the chapter.
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